View Full Version : favorit e mr. show quotes

09-17-2003, 08:54 PM
ok i am SOO bored so i make up a thread about favorite mr. show quotes

"Keep 'em comin gleep glop.."

lets see if anyone knows who said that:D ???

09-18-2003, 12:25 PM
That was David in the futuristic racist skit, talking to the bartender?

09-18-2003, 06:30 PM
hell yeah,, you try one dude

09-19-2003, 04:57 PM
Here are a few, from easy to hard:

"Put me in charge of some these bald mother fuckers."

"...it's all rainbowy and shit."

"I'll miss you... me."

09-19-2003, 05:04 PM
DAMN, i remember hearing all 3 of them but i cant place them, im pretty sure David said the Bald motherfuckers and Its all rainbowy and shit ones...

09-19-2003, 05:36 PM
Yeah, David said all of them. I'll give you the easy one: It was Derek (David) when has was talking to his friend, Dalai Lama (Bob). That's what he said just before the short montage of scenes with Derek goofing off (reading JuggFucklers!)

09-19-2003, 06:56 PM
oh hell yeah, William Van Landingham and the fat kids

i love when the one fat kid gets his throat cut

Choo Choo
09-19-2003, 07:48 PM




easy ones......but i just thought of them off the top of me head.

09-19-2003, 09:03 PM
"elctric sports bra..electric sports bra"..thank you"

09-21-2003, 05:39 AM
"fuck niggers" david cross

09-22-2003, 05:43 PM
on behalf of all the white population everywhere..your welcome:D

09-23-2003, 03:08 PM
"eatin' an orange was like taking a trip through a citrus mountain" -david

"then i suggest an armada of q-tips be dispatched to your ear" -bob

09-23-2003, 03:45 PM
"All these goats are retarded"

"It's time for the poison smores! Get 'em while they're poisony, that's when they're best."

Saw Dummy Mark
09-24-2003, 07:54 PM
"...And next time you'll get more than just a dildo in the head" - From the mom and pop porno shop skit. That's just one I thought of off the top of my...um...head.

09-24-2003, 11:25 PM
i just need some quarters

try booth 2..
2 chicks , 1 dick

09-25-2003, 07:13 PM
"thank you, for opening my big fat asshole eyes"

09-26-2003, 10:07 AM
Hey, Six. When the fat kid gets his throat cut? That was the first episode I ever saw of Mr. Show. When that moment happened, I knew I was watching something very different from any other sketch comedy. It moved me.

09-26-2003, 11:29 AM
"William Van Landingham?"

"the 3rd, my dear boy"

09-29-2003, 02:08 PM
Did you know that black people used to be slaves in this country. It's true, but then they were set free by a WHITE MAN named Abraham Lincoln, and we'd just like to say..."You're Welcome!":D

"Hours! Clocks!" I laughed til I fucking cried.

09-29-2003, 07:44 PM
upon a night, betwix Earth and Flesh, the grinding of souls whispers a tale of how the dead do dance.....


Adam Jimmy
09-30-2003, 03:14 AM
I sell leather pants.

Adam Jimmy
09-30-2003, 03:38 AM
The incredible edible...rump roast

A lot of people think a lot of things about Hawaii

I eated too much pie.

09-30-2003, 02:38 PM
What are you doing?

The superpan is...

(Mimmicking) the superpan, the superpan. i thought i said to throw the pans away? Did i? Yes i did. Maybe she just doesn't listen! THROW THEM AWAY!!!!!!!

10-02-2003, 11:18 AM
"Before I die, I'm gonna fuck me a fish."

I just downloaded that episode a couple of days ago and saw it for the first time. That's funny shit.

10-05-2003, 09:38 AM
Keep the "chahhnge" - Droopy aka Bob O.

10-05-2003, 01:26 PM
"Get of ma' land"

Mountain Dougie

10-06-2003, 10:22 AM
"See, the cat represents Switzerland, and the milk here is your relatives."

"This ticket is good for a one way bus trip to anywhere outside of Mississippi on the "Fun Bus"."

After seeing the head in the fishbowl

"It defies all medical logic really. The first time I saw it, I was like...whoa."

10-06-2003, 02:35 PM
"But isn't the KKK opposed to your race?"
"Oh, i knew you were gonna bring that up"

"Hey, I don't go to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth"



"OH I LOVE AL JOLSON! What's that song he sings ' nigger won't you please'"
"Uh, your not allowed to say the N word"
"Oh yea, i know that. It's okay to say it in my home, but some places like the cafeteria or the supermarket, it's just unacceptable"

10-06-2003, 11:44 PM
No gay son of mine is a not gay, you better get gay or ill make you gay!!!

oklahoma, indiana, uh..........tacini, jimjam

Take it from me I love you.

Screw you mother-father, Chinese dentist.

10-07-2003, 10:49 AM

10-07-2003, 02:17 PM
1. "I can get better!"
2. "But then a stroke of luck! He died! And i sold his life to the films" - The Cry of a hungry baby
3. "Not to be confused with the disease cancer!" - What to think
4. "Hello, I have not seen you're show nor do i intend to. You know why? You're show is trash, and trash belongs in the gutter, not in my mind. You know what else i'd like to complain about? The city i live in. They're suing me for putting my trash in the gutter, and they say that trash belongs in the trash can. But you know what belongs in the trash can? YOU'RE SHOW! and you know what else? GET OUT!
"But you asked me to..."
"OUT!" - We Regret to inform you
5. "You can't shampoo a shampooer!" - Now, Who wants Ice Cream
6. "Damn" - A Talking Junkie.

10-07-2003, 08:26 PM
Ol Limberlegs went walkin..

10-07-2003, 09:44 PM
Damn, I just read through the thread again and I repeated Six's shit.

"Oh my God! Ronnie! Tell me to fuck off!
"Come on, it's her birthday."
"O.K...Fuck you bitch!"

I'll take my comments about the movie to the appropriate thread.

10-13-2003, 12:39 AM
"Oh, and one more thing...that wily guard and I share a name. That name is...ME!"

"Nipples on your ass..."

"Remember kids, only take what you can handle, and always know your dealer!"

"To the bath with you! And there'll be no bubbles..not a one!"

"Like a swan...like a pregnant swan."

10-13-2003, 12:43 AM
"Charity is when you do something for people while other people are watching."

"Mother is the necessity of invention."

"My man Pootie T is from the street. He got to be able to walk across the street.

10-16-2003, 05:28 PM
Bob and David : SWEETIE PIE?
Bob: your a bad bad kitty
David: Ooooh we cant stay mad at you...
Bob: Yeah, we're gonna spank you w/ our lips

10-18-2003, 04:00 AM
theres alot of quotes, but i'll keep it short.

aything by the "bad news breakers"

"in 1995, steve peters had no money. he was a public school teacher, so his opinon wasn't worth very much. but then in 1996, he won the lottery, and he was a great man. greater than einstein, who made very little. but then, guess what this genius-for-a-day does...he gives his money to charity. now he's about as dumb as einstein. way to go einstein."

all of "the joke: the musical", but especially when jack black comes out dancing as the devil and singing "do it do it do it, you KNOW you wanna do it!"

in the "lie detector sketch:
"you smoked crack? how was it"
"it was good. it's crack. it gets you really high" i laughed for hours from that one

i could go on forever

famous mortimer
10-18-2003, 09:32 PM
"Youth is truth! I wish 'old' rhymed with 'lies'!"

10-19-2003, 06:23 PM
its made with spider sugar, doesn't hurt the spiders.

gerald hennessy
10-20-2003, 01:02 AM
"get used to it Hitler."

10-20-2003, 06:16 PM
Tex Mex.

Pit Pat
10-20-2003, 07:57 PM
For some reason, I found the third "ad man" commercial to be hilarious (after the complaints by the executives about the cursing, I know the setup was really obvious, but the lines were still seriously funny). "God DAMMIT... fuck!... shit!... ASS!..." The way the "ASS!" line was delivered was hysterical. The entire Ding Dong burger commercial was also really great. (Like Brian's line: "It's so big? It's fuckin' great!")

The Ronnie Dobbs documentary had some really good lines/lyrics. Bob's (as Terry) opening line ("I want you to take the DOOST... and the HANDCOOFS... and the HILLBILLYNESS... and PUT! IT! INTO! THAT! PIANO!") was a classic, and so was the "Can't a man not control his bitch with violence" line from Bob's (as Ronnie) solo. Terry's "I want everything to be loosey-goosey" and "We're going to take all that anger... and use it to SING!" lines were also fantastic.

Every single line spoken by Tom Kinney's "Brooklyn Abraham Lincoln" in the flag-shitting sketch. The facial expressions (the big shrug) were just perfect.

Pit Pat
10-20-2003, 07:58 PM
Originally posted by Pit-Pat

Oh Dear God, sorry, I didn't realize someone else also had that username. For the record, I'm the newbie (with no hyphen).

10-20-2003, 10:16 PM
"Whore, how you explain, i spit on your explanation"

"I spit on your spit"

"I piss on your spit"

"I shit on your piss"

"I fart on your shit"

"I laugh at your fart"

"I spit on your spit, I piss on your spit, I shit on your piss, I fart on your shit, I laugh at your fart we are friends again HEY..
I spit on your spit, i piss on your spit, i shit on your piss, i fart on your shit, i laugh at your fart, we are friends again HEY!"

gerald hennessy
10-21-2003, 01:26 AM
"Law school will be very hard... for you--so leave your lunch boxes at home."

I think Bob is a brilliant comedic actor. He just slays me all the time.

10-21-2003, 10:12 PM
What episode contains the skit where the guy starts a new country in his backyard? The name "Freedomland" comes to mind, but it's been like 6 or 7 years since i've seen it. Any help guys?

10-21-2003, 10:45 PM
NewFreeland ... It was the first episode of the second season i think it was called "Now who wants ice cream"

Its my favorite episode cuz not only Mountain Dougie is in it, but also FF Woodycooks and his ice cream precinct and of course the "Fantabulous Superpan"

10-23-2003, 08:59 AM
"This generation is worse than the hippies, the flappers, and the Nazis combined. At least the hippies gave us those wide watchbands and the Nazis had that song 8 Days A Week."

10-23-2003, 09:17 AM
I'm strong, like the hulk!

10-25-2003, 05:42 PM
(BOB)...What did he say?
(DAVID)...You're fired.

10-27-2003, 02:39 AM
ok i'll answer the second of Jeffem's quotes...i'll leave the third and final one for anyone else who thinks they get the gold teeth to do it... "rainbowy and shit is from Episode 402 - Blind Girl when david's character, Stephen tries to describe the view from her window."

gerald hennessy
10-29-2003, 07:24 PM
"Not you Zaxxon, I ain't takin' to you--you one a the good ones."

Come on, that's an easy one.

10-29-2003, 07:57 PM
yeah the racists space guy

"Keep em' comin' gleep glop"

gerald hennessy
10-29-2003, 08:16 PM
"You can't trust a man what's made o' gas."

IMO the funniest episode--tonapper, wyked sceptre, David's racist in the future guy, the opening like a playboy mansion party, the underground tape railroad. Reeeel funny.

11-01-2003, 03:42 AM
"Have you ever taken a train and eaten it, piece by piece... AFTER you just derailed it with your penis?!"

"By anychance, are you a murderer?"
"Oh good, then your children will only be HALF murderer!"

"I know how it feels.... I'm 7 feet tall."

"I didn't actually run in the olympics... I did a few walk-a-thons though, did pretty good"

11-05-2003, 03:11 PM
ďI've got a naked puppet doing a lewd lascivious fandango on the lap of a full grown man. I've got women over here dipping candles. I've got a fellow over here, he's got a butter turner. It's like a pioneer porn shop in here.Ē

ďLook at this one, we got the sauce pan for hubby. Oh, and a fry pan for granny. And a boiler pot for Auntie Sue. And the pans won't shut up!Ē

ďWeíre earthlings. Letís blow up earth things!Ē

ďWhat's wrong, Philouza? A few too many of Mr. Graham's crackers?Ē

ďShut that baby up!Ē

Pit Pat
11-05-2003, 04:31 PM
Originally posted by gerald hennessy
"You can't trust a man what's made o' gas."

IMO the funniest episode--tonapper, wyked sceptre, David's racist in the future guy, the opening like a playboy mansion party, the underground tape railroad. Reeeel funny.

All sketches from season 4! Which isn't out yet on DVD! Grr...

11-05-2003, 04:55 PM
"In 1995 Steve Peters was broke. He was a public school teacher, so his opinion didn't count for very much. Then, he won the lottery and was a great man - greater than Einstein, who made very little. But then, guess what this genius for a day does... he goes and gives his money away to charity. Now he's about as dumb as Einstein. Nice goin' Einstein !"

"The last thing I wanted to do was get reattached to anyone - but we met a the company picnic during the three legged race and we're perfect together... "

"We'll be doing it during a full moon so we make sure we get it all"

"Scientists have ascertained that there may be as many as... 24 stars in the cosmos."

"Why don't you set your phaser to shut up !"

11-05-2003, 08:14 PM
"On behalf of the great state of Mississippi, I would like to present you and all of your people... this card... Uh oh ! It says on the cover... An' inside it says 'somebody made an awful mess'. Well, that pretty much says it."

Pit Pat
11-05-2003, 10:52 PM
It's going to be totally grunge-ified! then later, You're all one big SLACKER!

(Bob grins at the camera.)
This cocksucker dragged me down here, I dunno.
(Bob grins at the camera.)
Just eat the fuckin thing.
Fuck you!
(Bob grins at the camera.)
Fuck, this little motherfucker's tasty!
Told your fuckin ass.
(Bob grins at the camera.)

then later,


You cannot fly, only British people can fly!

gerald hennessy
11-05-2003, 10:54 PM
"Don't just look at each other, answer me!!!"

11-05-2003, 11:45 PM
A few quick ones... bonus points if you know the skits/episodes they're from.

"Let's get the hell outta here !"

"I remember when my best friends charged me $35 to listen to them dick around on guitar."

"The number for Michael Jackson please.... THE Michael Jackson, as in, the king of all pop."

"Looking at your jacket I'm lead to believe that somewhere in this great nation of ours there's an El Camino with its seat cover missing."

"The rap group, the Fuck-Ups"

"We'll sue the pants off 'em"
"And then we'll sell 'em pants !"

Johnny Panic
11-13-2003, 07:02 AM
"I know how it feels.... I'm 7 feet tall."

The bizarre talk show skit was one of my favourites.

11-13-2003, 04:18 PM
"I'll... have....... a... single...... donut..... filled with.................. jam."

"Keep the chonge!"

11-19-2003, 06:02 PM
"We are praying machines, praising all day! Heavens to Betsy, I've invented a praying machine! Oh, my stars and bars!!" - 2001, A New Wave Godyssey

"We like cheeeese." - Clive Shrupshire

Iann Shrupshire: Got another cigaroo?
Clive Shrupshite: I can't really smoke it but it's comforting to hold it.

"WHAT the FUCK?" - David in that sketch where the boss (Bob) gives everyone raises for doing the same thing except David; it was timed so perfectly

And probably my current favorite:

"Yeah yeah yeaaaaaah, yeah! WHOOO! Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah yeah! Yeah yeah yeaaaaaah, yeah! WHOOO! Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah yeah! Yeah yeah (Yeah yeah) Yeah yeah (Yeah yeah) Yeah-yeah-yeah (Yeah-yeah-yeah) WHOOOOO! OH Yeah, ooooh yeah, YEAH-YEAH-YEAH! Owwww!" - 'Got A Good Thing Going On' by the Beetletown Players

11-20-2003, 12:22 PM
Originally posted by MoePhelps
A few quick ones... bonus points if you know the skits/episodes they're from.

"Let's get the hell outta here !"

"I remember when my best friends charged me $35 to listen to them dick around on guitar."

"The number for Michael Jackson please.... THE Michael Jackson, as in, the king of all pop."

"Looking at your jacket I'm lead to believe that somewhere in this great nation of ours there's an El Camino with its seat cover missing."

"The rap group, the Fuck-Ups"

"We'll sue the pants off 'em"
"And then we'll sell 'em pants !"

1. jay as the mustardayonnaise abe lincoln guy
2. what david says right before they kicked that hippie's ass
3. dream of a lifetime
4. night talk with the senate subcommittee
5. god, this is the only one i cant specifically remember. i can hear bob saying it in my head but i just cant remember what sketch its from.
6. coupon the movie

12-09-2003, 12:19 PM
have you all forgotten Indomitable Spirit???

"Just because they're a little different from you and me doesn't make them freaks. It just means that you'll have to try a little harder not to let them make you feel uncomfortable."

"My name is Terry. My arms are half there. But that doesn't keep me from riding on the snare." (Plays ride cymbal to the sound of the hi-hat)

"I'm Fran and I'm a woman."

Some others:

"I'm going to bake a cake in the shape of the moon blowing up."

"These yellow ribbons are for the young people, to show we care, and these orange ribbons are for the companions."

-"Did you get the stench of human flesh?"
-"Yes the fucking future of kids wear."

"If winner is Chinese, a bill for the bullet will be sent to the family." (Smoosh commercial)

"Are your children physicians or buyers for large hospitals?"

"How about the women not wear any pants?"

"Now it becomes a hypothesis, and it is time to drown the wizard. If he floats, he is an evil wizard and must be burned alive. If he drowns, the hypothesis is true!"

"I believe in dragons now."

"This is Ken's one thing. The victory of the white race! Let's make it happen."

"Pack your bags, gang, we're going up my mother's ass."

12-11-2003, 12:45 PM
oh, and:

"And you'll never believe the surprise ending...where this happens."

12-12-2003, 01:08 PM
Hmmm, just registered here. What a great thread for a first post.
Well, my favorite:

"People selling people to people"

and a few others:

"I'm (so and so), Im sixteen and I like to take things for granted. But that'll end soon!"

"OK everybody lets go. One talks at a time."

"It tastes just like Ice Cream!"

"Oh shit, I killed him. Just like I killed Bilbo and the cockatiel! With a book!"

heh heh, good times...

12-14-2003, 02:29 AM
"Stay in bed all day like a eagle hunting prey."

"They gave me some beer and some frozen peas."

"I'm gonna bake a cake in the shape of the moon blowing up."

12-15-2003, 02:54 PM
Originally posted by keepthechaaange

5. god, this is the only one i cant specifically remember. i can hear bob saying it in my head but i just cant remember what sketch its from.

It wasn't Bob saying it, it was Paul. It was the introduction for the "Tribute to the Last Indian" concert in episode 302. If you ever remember an awards show or tribute concert quote, most likely it was either jill or paul that said it.

Another quote: "'Rock & Roll Double Chunk'. It has chocolate in it, and we figure if people like rock and roll music, they'll like this, cause it says 'Rock & Roll' on it."

12-15-2003, 03:05 PM
Who knows what episodes these are from???? Get it right you'll get a trip to the moon where you'll be shot execution style:

" When life kicks dirt in my face, I build a sand castle and call myself the king"

"TIme machine, baby loves my time machine, travelin all through tiiiiime!" "thank you!"

" Now you know the Rules, just go have some sex"

"I aint scared of no rolley coaster"

"It's gonna get sloppy!"

"Whats the matter, Philouza, one to many of Mr. graham's crackers?"

and of course
"I aint got no flyin' shoes"

their easy ones

Prof. Pickles
01-07-2004, 03:44 AM
Oh God, too many....try and guess where they came from if you want

"And that's why we have nitrogen"

"Hey uh...you wanna party?"

"No you can't bring a class down here. This is a museum, not a babysitter"

"These pictures have chocolate fingerprints all over them." "What kind of film did you use?"

"Oh yeah? Yeah!!! I'll marry your stupid ass!" "Til death do us part, ASSHOLE!"

"Help stop Change Thieves before they stop YOU......from stealing your change...that you....left there"

"Who's your poppinzola, hahhhh? At your wedding, who covered your pagenza???"

"I'll miss you, me."

"Scientists have ascertained that there may be as many as...24 stars in the cosmos"

"But we learned to trust ourselves and each other" "And

"Hey I got a fake asshole...y'all got fake poo?"

"My name is Kenny, and I love to play those damn video games"

and the immortal "they left me some beer and some frozen peas"

Dr. Nick
01-07-2004, 03:40 PM
Pteradactyls - good dinosaurs to mentions to kids

Are you sure? I just bought a whole bunch of chutney at the Pricemart.

Alright. Let's do this - Guy "Whitie" Corngood


Hey man, wanna party?

They'll know! Oh God they'll knowwwowoww....

Hi, Larry's the name, insurance is my game. Raping used to be another game of mine but....


Let me tell you the story of Jeepers Creepers!

America truly was the land of opportunity

01-10-2004, 10:22 PM
"And that's when Abraham Lincoln said 'Don't diss my homies!'"

I'll do a song from my one-man show, Hitler Sings!

Chim-Chim Chireeee!

Man: So did you enjoy that 3-bean casserole?
Lady: Yes we did.
Man: So how come I don't hear you fartin'?

Bob: We hope we can make a little difference
David: No Bob, a little fucking difference

01-11-2004, 07:53 PM
"IM AN OLD GOLD TOOTH....AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH......i live in the mouth of a HOmie"

"a white man set them free"

"i am King Shit of Fuck Mountain, why would you Fuck with Me"?

"All these goats are retarded"

"WHAT THE FUCK"!? when bob tells dave he's fired again

"A lot of people think a lot of things about Hawaii"

Keep the "chahhnge" - Droopy

"OH limber legs went walkin down ol millers creek..."

"Hey, I don't go to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth"

'Its so good... its fucking great" referring to kingkong singsong dingdong burger

"dammit! its too late to fly back"! - bob on the change for a doller sketch

Take it from me I love you

02-01-2004, 09:24 PM
"Shut that refridgerator door!"
"I'm not paying to cool the out of doors!"

"Check this shit ou-ou-out" followed by David's hectic awesome dance moves

Jeepers Creepers and The Joke-The Musical own me

Senator Tankerbell being "aroused" and "titillated" by Limber Legs

The red balloon will push you in a well..the red balloon will send you straight to hell...you've got to follow your balloon

"I just stopped by to tell you thanks. For not visiting me in jail."

"This is my best friend and I made my best friend a sweater."

(I am not the best at exact quotes)

"As mayor of the altered state of druggachusettes, I declare this pizza to be. awesome."

02-07-2004, 01:08 AM
In the promo for Mr. Show where Bob's in bed and doesn't want to get up, the song goes, "Stay in bed all day, like an eagle hunting prey." I always thought that was a hilarious correlation to make. Maybe it's just me.

Or Brian Posehn's famous, "Yeah, my doctor says I need pot to get high."

02-08-2004, 09:18 PM
"Mr. Pickle's funtime abortion clinics: we'll bring out the kid in you."

"Have you ever taken a train and eaten it piece by piece after you just derailed it with your penis?"

02-08-2004, 11:23 PM
"If you're blind, then how did you know I was bald?"

"Well, if you're blind, then how did you know I was a ... homosexual?"

02-12-2004, 02:22 AM
Two quotes from downsizing sketch.
Bob: "Hey between you and me and the wall, there's and oomeray about ownday izingsay." David: "I dont know what that means." Bob: "It's pig language."

Kenny: "Am I the only one left? Is there no other human on the planet but I?!! NGAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"


02-12-2004, 02:36 AM
For Moe Phelps:

--Mustardayonnaise (Please dont kill me)
--2001: A New Wave Godyssey?
--Dream of a lifetime (It's a no-brainer)
--Night Talk with Senate Sub Committee (A white man set them free)
--Monk Academy?
--Coupon the Movie (The velveteen touch of a dandy fop)

02-12-2004, 03:09 PM
soon, soon, you're a balloon!

02-15-2004, 06:58 AM
"god made me this way"
"when i reject god"

"my dad was bald in WW2, he died with a wig on"

02-15-2004, 07:07 AM
"i sick of comin home smellin like peppa"

"put ON your clothes"

just gptta type this one:
"look out moon, americas gonna get ya
gonna blow up the moon was nice to have met ya,cuz you dont mess around, with gods americaaa"
the dance is awesome, makes the whole thing

"he'll do the job, no questions asked"

"can you wake me up whenbj and the bear comes on?"

"im not goin anywhere, i aint scared of no rollercoaster"

"we're earthlings lets blow up earth things!"

02-18-2004, 04:35 PM
I think one of my favorites was:

"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PITURE, IT'LL LAST LONGER! JAGOFF"- Jill from "change" sketch.... god I love her....

02-28-2004, 04:03 PM
"With the price of meat going through the fucking roof ... it's a bargain."

"Thank you ladies ... you crack me up. Let me show you how a man does it."

"Don't mess around ... with God's America."

"This is going to make a difference. A big FUCKING difference."

02-28-2004, 07:25 PM
Just a few of my favorites from Seasons 1 & 2, some may not be verbatim.

Voiceover King: "Mr. Pickle's Fun Time Abortion Clinic. We'll bring out the kid in ya'!"

The Honeymoon Couple: "Ooh. I gotta take a shit. Hey Todd, hand me that Hustler."

Imminenet Death Syndrome: "What about Jeff Foxworthy?"

Adopted Son: "So is it cool to smoke in here, or are you guys gonna be dicks about it?"

Mom and Pop Porno Store: "Let me remind you that that stupid All Anal Action paid for that mountain bike of yours!"

WPCOBP Network: "I ain't got no flyin' shoes."

Blame-a-thon '96: "Remember, our operators are standing by with their thumbs up their asses waiting for you to call."

03-05-2004, 03:03 PM
The entire Honeymoon scene is gold. starting from "it's called a 'gay porno film'" to "extra round thingy" I love how pissed "Jerry" (dave) gets when they don't have Nintendo on board (or was it Sega?)...

Dave's video-complaint about Mr. Show when he is wearing his "Hug Therapy" shirt and is saying "Never, ever, never, nerver......"

"Fuck you I quit"

"So fuck you mom and dad" -Blame-a-thon

"Any cock'll do!"

"HBO, stands for Hate Bob Odenkirk"

"He says give her a kung-fu chop"

Dart Shitter
03-08-2004, 05:11 PM
"Lets have us a champagne jam"

I like the episode delivery better then the movie one, it sounds more natural

03-09-2004, 08:51 AM
"Notice I didn't say 'T.V.', 'cuz 'T.V.' is a nickname and nicknames are for friends, and 'T.V." is NO friend of mine!"

03-10-2004, 12:40 PM
Remember this one:

"He'll get the job done, no questions asked". It was a moving speech.

03-12-2004, 02:00 PM
Oh and there is the skit where David plays a guy who used to be gay, and he keeps having all these relapses. That's hilarious.

03-13-2004, 05:43 PM
I think we've neglected my very favorite quote:
"Look lady, I don't go down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth." - New slogan for Grandma Betsy's Baking Powder
"Grandma Betsy looks like a man!"
"She IS a man!"

and of course

"We saw Coupon the Movie"
"The lady TOTALLY used the coupon to buy socks!"
"...And it was a movie!"

I'm totally up for favorite quotes from the commentary now...

03-15-2004, 11:15 PM
"Our Stores Are Not Constantly on Fire. That's The Fairsley Difference!"

"Can I use this chair? No, seriously... Can I use this chair?"

"I'm A Sushi Bar, In A Sushi Bar Machine, Eating all I can EEEEEATTTTTT"

"He should have thought about that before he played me like a foo'."

"You mother-father chinese dentist!"

"Have you ever eaten a train piece by piece after just derailing it with your penis?" "Yes... Hey, it was for charity!"

"Hello, Larry is my name, insurance is my game. Raping was another game of mine..."

"Dude, they're not REALLY fucking..."

"I, the mayor of Drugachussetts, declare this pizza AWESOME!"

"Not you Zaxxon, I ain't talking to you. you're one of the good ones..."

"I am a camera, a camera am I!"

"Whatta Boob!"

"Oh, You Men..."

"Squash... Is on sale..."

"Mommy, what's a gogortion?"

"Dude, suck that shit!"

03-16-2004, 11:57 AM
I wasn't gonna indulge, but I can't help it!!

"All these goats -- are retarded."
"Tofutti break!!"

From Thrill world, a bleeding Bob screaming "WHY WOULD GOD LET THIS HAPPEN?!"

During the Popemobile Police Chase--
Newscasters to the Pope Expert: Are you Catholic?
Pope Expert: Oh no *laughing* Oh God No. I just love popes.
(That's definitely not an exact quote, but you guys know what I'm talking about).
PLUS! the fact that "heart" is spelled out in "I heart the Pope". The first time I saw that, I laughed so hard I think I had an out of body experience.

Oh yeah, and any skit where Bob yells. It kills me...why is that so funny??

03-17-2004, 11:21 AM
And how could I forget Bob as Abraham Lincoln:

"And my father touched my butthole."

Also, in theForefathers/ Flag Shitting skit

Ben Franklin: "Who would shit on a flag made out of shit? It would be an empty gesture."

*sigh* I could go on for days....

03-17-2004, 11:52 AM
"Hi, I'm Kenny. I'm fourteen and I love playing those damn video games!"

"The Great Caruso wasn't as great as, say, SAMMY HAGAR, the red rocker!"

03-27-2004, 06:07 AM
I've got a few..

Blowing Up the Moon News Headline: "WHY? MONKEY DEMANDS ANSWERS"

Change for a Dollar: "Hi.. can I get change for a dollar? (Clerk puts hand out) I just need.. (Clerk puts hand out again) I'll just go to the one across the street.. 'NEXT!' What was that all about? 'I was ON my break.' Well, can I get change for a dollar? 'Hmmm... (Begins making spit and tapping noises for about 2 minutes) Tell ya what.. I'm gonna have to ask my boss..' Okay. (Clerk comes back) So, what'd he sa--'I went the wrong way (Stares at him for 15 seconds)'

Coupon the Movie the Ride: "I'm wetter than I've ever been, and I'm from Canada!"

Hail Satan Network: "Kevin.. Kevin, can you hear me? 'Ugh, he can hear fine.' Oh, I'm sorry."

Lie Detector: "I'm a control freak because I was molested by my parents.. 'Nothing happened..' ..AH! WHAT A BREAKTHROUGH!"

Rapist Scene: "Rapist coming.. don't get raped."

Cyrus Dewey Awards: "My shoes hurt! 'My shoes hurt too dad.. my shoes hurt too.'"

Cyrus Dewey Awards: 'What's wrong, get another weird sandwich? "Yeah, this one has peanut butter.. and eggs.. and dice.." Isn't that a sponge? "Yeah..(Empties out a thermos full of spoons)..god I HATE MY PARENTS!"'

Independent Nations Games: "Ya'll real funny.. ya'll think ya'll real funny.. keep makin' jokes."

"What--you think courts are run by judges and juries and trials? Hah! Courts are run by a series of blowjobs!"
"A blowjob? 'Oh, come on, it'll only take a second.'"

Retarded Actor: "Yeah.. he likes his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with spaghetti--'Hut.. hut.. huthuthuthutHUTHUTHUTHUTHUTHUTHUTHUTHUTHUTHUT!'"


World's Oldest Educational Film: "Questions, questions questions! The modern mind can come up with three questions."

03-30-2004, 12:28 AM

"I can taste colors! (metallic clang noise)"- Hallucinajenny

"It feels creaaaaaaaamy."- Clive Shropshire

"Do I consider myself a pioneer? Perhaps so."
"I... didn't ask you that."- pre natal documentary

"We prey for our sign... son, son!!! (laughing) It's not our sign that's missing, it's our son!"- Nooz 6 Blooperz!

"No fatties."- last living indian

"There were nooooooo surviiiiiivors!" - bad news breakers

"There are 1 million people out there who don't care!"
"What did you say?"
"There are... 24 people out there who don't care!"- 24 is the highest number

"Let me tell ya something, kid... You've got the goods."

There are so many more I'm forgetting.

kedzie matthews
04-01-2004, 08:45 PM
"you shouldn't listen to crowds, and you shouldn't listen to pans" - 8 in 1 super pan
"this is my real hair" - scams and flams
"FUCK GODDAMMIT I CAN'T BELEIVE IT!!!... about your cancer" -thank you for the ride

everything David says in Shampoo.

Shim Sham
04-07-2004, 03:27 PM
"Batman the Horse"
"king s of f mountain"
"Blinds are like regulars now"

04-08-2004, 01:01 PM
"You call yourselves junior executives? YOU'RE SENIOR JACKASSES!!!"

"The next one of you that adds a number to another number is gonna hear it from my .45!"

"I'm gay. Because I'm gay, I use this video tape to stimulate myself into having an erection. Then, I use that erection to masturbate with."

"Hey, who wants a banana?"

Shim Sham
04-08-2004, 02:12 PM

04-09-2004, 10:48 AM
Bob: "But I wanna go make some sperm."
David: "Yeah, but we don't need any."

Laughed my ass off.

Shim Sham
04-10-2004, 06:32 PM
If I die, tell my people to bury me in mashed potatoes with the gravies..

Don't blaim the dildoes!

04-14-2004, 05:14 PM
Remeber the three pratt promises:

1. I am not a lawyer
2. I wont try to have sex with you
3. I know when to leave

gerald hennessy
04-14-2004, 05:41 PM
great name :)

04-14-2004, 07:11 PM
"And my heart feels like a mouth full of sores. A mouth full of sores aint no fun."

04-16-2004, 02:54 PM
"frame it, bury it, walk 10 paces dig it up in 20 years and teach the world to dance!"

04-26-2004, 08:36 PM
What about....

"I'm the hated milk machine... Everybody hates me now... For doing what I'm told... he was trying to be bold... Why can't people keep their willies out of holes?... Where do I go now... where do I go now?... This is the knocking song... In days of Auld Lang Syne"

"Anything is possible, as long as you imagineer it!"

"Well, I'm Ol' Swerdlow, and this is the Ozark Mountain Tradition of Song... Storyin'"

04-27-2004, 06:20 AM
"Each star represents a playmate that I've slept with."

05-08-2004, 04:07 AM
"sweet jerold."

"i recieved a baked carrot from the society for unpleasant gifts"

"i couldnt help overhearing what that ghost had to say"

"where ideas can hang out, and do whatever"

05-08-2004, 08:53 PM
"Heavens to Betsy, I've invented a praying machine! Oh my stars and bars!"

"Baaaaa Baaaaa Black Sheep.... Have you any woooool....."

"Rap, a rap, a rappity rap rap! Get rappy with it!"

"Bartender, another drink... (looks around) Oh...... My life!"

"Cause you went to Heaven, and a teardrop went to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!! I'll miss you, Willips Brighton's son....."

"I never got the chance to say goodbye!"
"I did... many times..."

"I'm a party giiiiiiiiiiirrrrrlllll... I'm a party girl!"

"Wheeeeew whew whew goodbye wheeeeeeew!!!!"

"What's the matter, Philouza, a little too many of Mr. Graham's crackers?"

"Hath mine ears bewitched me with whispers of Xanadu? Ryan Dorne... Actor, toucher of souls, is going to write a screenplay and direct it?"
"I've done a few meetings..."


"Where ideas can hang out, and do whatever!"

"Evil Kneivel! Can you come with us?"
"Sorry guys, I can't go. I'm jumping the pancreas in a week."

"Are there people walking on Pluto? Let me check... I don't think there are, ARE THERE?"

"Here's my son Timmy... and my daughter Timmy..."

"Tonight's show is rated BL, AP, MD for blue language, adult positions, and mature delicacies."

05-10-2004, 02:26 PM

05-15-2004, 05:58 AM

F.F. Woodycooks

05-23-2004, 07:54 PM
"Hello? Your name is Orika? Mine's Andre. You sound sexy!"

05-26-2004, 12:55 PM
"I dont know, man....these guys got their fuckin' talkin' dolls n shit"

Garry Flank
05-26-2004, 01:17 PM
"None for you, dear"


"Damn....the science is too tight!"

05-26-2004, 02:32 PM
"Something is wrong here and I don't want to make love to you tonight."

"Why, are you bleeding?"

06-24-2004, 03:23 PM
I threw on Season 3, episode 3 last night (Oh you men! i think) anyways, it was the one with the "hanging man" sketch.... where Bob's character totally forgets to tell his wife that before he met her he tried to kill a guy for stealing his newspapers.

Anyways, Bob yelling at his wife in that is classic... please everyone, drop whatever you are doing and go cue it up.

Plus, listen to the commentary for this skit... it's funny shit ofcourse.

K now you go away. I'll wait here...

06-24-2004, 03:28 PM
I'm sure it's already been mentioned in this thread, but it's been stuck in my head all day, so....

"You can't trust a MAN what's made of GAS!" :D

06-25-2004, 04:43 PM
"Keep the change."

"Meep meep, moop moop, have some hot and sour soup! Kink kink, koal koal, have another eggy roll!"

"All these goats are retarded."

"And that's when Abe Lincoln said, 'Don't diss my homies'."

"My father touched my butthole. This made me thirst for knowledge. Hey!"

"Get it girl, you know what you love! Haaaay, hooo, haaaaay, hooooo..."

"We were in the people business before you were wearing short pants! My great grandfather had a motto. 'People Selling People To People.' SO DON'T CALL ME FAT!"

"So you enjoyed my wife's casserole?"
"Yes... It was... Great!"
"I don't hear you farting."

"Punch the wall..."
"I'll punch you!"
"Don't you dare, buster brown!"

"And I'm mothering him too much. This will confuse his sexuality."
"You're gonna be a famous southern playwright, arent'cha boy?"

06-25-2004, 07:26 PM
Originally posted by TwoStates

"And that's when Abe Lincoln said, 'Don't diss my homies'."

Oh man that's the Learning by Billiards thing. What episode was that from? I don't think I have that one and I really want to see it again.

06-25-2004, 09:06 PM
I believe that is second season, right? Isn't it called "If You're Going to Write a Comedy Show, You're Going to Have Some Rat Feces in There" or something like that? It's right before the 'My Gay Son' skit because I remember his parents talking about how Van Hammersly was gay. I wish I had my season one and two DVDs right now, so I could give you a decent answer. Well if I'm right, someone will confirm it.

06-26-2004, 12:27 AM
ya that's 204 - If You're Going To...

That is one of my favorite quotes too.

More! If you can guess all of these, then I'll give you 400 points.

"I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Odenkirk. It's simply too late to have an abortion. Your son is 4 years old."

"And don't forget to break some rules. But... Don't break any rules."


"And good luck... to us."

06-26-2004, 01:21 AM
Originally posted by merkwurkdiglieb
ya that's 204 - If You're Going To...
"I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Odenkirk. It's simply too late to have an abortion. Your son is 4 years old."

"What's a gagortion?"

Also that premise was bald-facedly ripped off by South Park some years later, although they did a good job with the idea so I'll forgive and forget.

06-26-2004, 02:20 PM
Originally posted by merkwurkdiglieb

"And don't forget to break some rules. But... Don't break any rules."

That's the Marylin Monster Mozzerella Pizzerella Parlor tutorial video. Just great.

07-09-2004, 01:15 AM
Until just recently, I had never read too much into the following line:

"And that's when Lincoln said: Don't diss ma homies!"

I just got it now that Lincoln freed the slaves hahahahahaha

or how about

"Also... my dad touched my butthole... that's why I'm on your penny."

or Bob in the Law School sketch

"You come in here with heads filled with SOUP... when you're done with law school your brain will be like a... STEEL TRAP! WITH THE BLOODY FOOT OF LAW INSIDE!"

I'll post more when I think of ones that I don't think of that often, but when I remember them, make me crack up.

07-09-2004, 01:20 AM
Originally posted by WillipsBrighton
"And my heart feels like a mouth full of sores. A mouth full of sores aint no fun."

Definitely one of my favourites. I love the face he makes right when he's about to say that line.

07-10-2004, 02:58 PM
"Tofruity Break!"

Or failing that, just read my sig...

07-14-2004, 03:45 PM
during the learning by billiards sketch i always laugh my ass off when he mentions "ol' felcher."

07-15-2004, 08:10 AM
Originally posted by Rabot
"Tofruity Break!"

Or failing that, just read my sig...

Tofutti. (and yes, it does taste just like ice cream)

07-15-2004, 08:13 AM
Nils guitar shop:

"I thought I was good man, and then I met you man, .... and then I met you"

12-02-2004, 03:34 AM
Where does this one come from?

"She says give him a kung-fu"

12-02-2004, 03:43 AM
God damnit there are so many (this includes commentary):

(Approx.)"No I can't kiss you or else I'll get lost in the moment.."
"I had the flu and a touch of cancer."
"Lesson number one: Never pick up a guitar ever again!"
"Hay Wudjablowme"
"Is he cool?" "Yeah, he's cool"
"They gaze me some frozen peas and a beer."
"Rap, rap, rap, rap, rap...(etc.)"
"Any cock'll do!"
"As the star of phebus decends, a beautiful shade of crimson covers the sky." (or something like that...)
(Another approx.)"*feminine voice* Do you remember me? I'm Jawon.*regular voice* then he took of his wig and said *manly voice* Oh yeah, well I'm tough now, fool."
Any scrotum line of Bob's
All of Jeepers Creepers (especially all of David's parts)!

If I think of any more, I'll post it...

12-02-2004, 05:18 AM
Goddammit! You..stupid, patty Prince lookin', no Island rememberin' mutherfucker!

12-03-2004, 12:53 PM
Originally posted by Choo Choo


Rap the Musical - I just watched that a few days ago and I couldn't remember it from when I first watched it (don't you love when that happens) and I was f'ing killing myself with laughter at that exact part. Thank you for reminding me again... bob dressed as a giant gold tooth ... god damn that mrshow

12-03-2004, 01:11 PM
Originally posted by teengirlsquad
Rap the Musical - I just watched that a few days ago and I couldn't remember it from when I first watched it (don't you love when that happens) and I was f'ing killing myself with laughter at that exact part. Thank you for reminding me again... bob dressed as a giant gold tooth ... god damn that mrshow

was that the costume that was full of spiders? i think it was eh...

that makes the sketch even funnier.

02-01-2005, 06:25 PM
Be kind, rewind

02-02-2005, 12:34 AM
no fatties

02-02-2005, 12:38 AM
ita been one wonderful night for the one wonderful indian

02-02-2005, 12:48 AM
Originally posted by TheDude
ita been one wonderful night for the one wonderful indian

i wish you were thedudeman rather than just thedude

man, i miss that guy

02-02-2005, 01:50 AM
"I just found out my daughter's a lesbian.... y'all got fake poo?"

And also- I beat Crystal Knockers in a blow job contest?

You gave people blow jobs?

The MOST people!

02-02-2005, 03:00 PM
Won't you people let this thread die?! C'mon, the comic thread has to be longer. Wait a minute...

"It's called the Ultimate Dicksucker."

02-02-2005, 03:35 PM
"...And I'm better then you brainiac ."

05-15-2005, 05:43 PM

I Declare this pizza to be Awsome!

05-18-2005, 10:35 PM
From the commentary:

Orville Duberville l'Avignon : They're made... with tuna.

Orville: You can't really work a pelvis through fabric.

Bob: There was like a layer of grotesque un-funniness on the walls.

F.F. Woodycooks: The delicious taste of ice cream really keeps crooks away! ... Crime is bitter, but ice cream's sweet!

Bob: You're gonna make a great alcoholic dad.

Aunt Helen: That's who I call the Pope. Oh, I'd butter his head up.

05-23-2005, 10:56 PM
There are two phrases I use all the time.

First one actually isn't a phrase, it's a word. After Bob's phonesex bit, John is getting acting tips from David right before he goes in to do the "can I use this chair" scetch.

John: So I should use an English accent?
David: YES.

The way he says it, in an excited and matter-of-fact way [with the finger point], is just perfect. I use it all the time with friends and in various professional settings.

Second one is my favorite and is probably the one phrase that has stuck in my head after all these years... it's also come to be recognized as "my" catchphrase by my friends...

You got the goods. [With requisite pointing finger.]


Sorry I lied, there's three. The other one I use all the time too... WAY TO GO EINSTEIN!


haha this is fun.

anytime bob says GODDAMNIT .

"I'm gunna fuck me a fish."

gus kryzinski
06-08-2005, 09:13 PM
free horsey rides, i mean doctors office.

fuck you gwinnett.

i was worse than right, i was wrong.

my girlfriend liked it, and my boyfriend liked it, but my wife hated it.

kate and i are getting married.

they even make a pill now that lets men have sex with each other.

..therefore, as in forefathers. not my fathers man.

the flag is to blame and it- should -be- put- in- jail.

there's nothing i'd love more than tons of your delicious cerial.

02-13-2006, 01:03 PM
Originally posted by Choo Choo




easy ones......but i just thought of them off the top of me head.

Tardaloo is when they start a cult with the bob and heaven's chimney.

I saw the shit out of it from coupon the movie.

Gold tooth from RAP the musical...I'm going on a drive by just my posse and me and leader from the old skool you can call me og.

I want to give a shout out to flat top tony and purple canoes and captain mister sergeant and the marine core improvisers.

02-14-2006, 04:19 AM
"This'll take a minute to fill.... you fellas wanna... hang out?"

"And then I'm going to teach you how to make my world famous, Five Alarm Christmas Dinner"

"Hath mine ears bewitched me with whispers of xanadu?!"

02-14-2006, 06:29 AM
Originally posted by voodoochile
"And then I'm going to teach you how to make my world famous, Five Alarm Christmas Dinner"

? I have no recollection of this line.

02-15-2006, 12:27 AM
Originally posted by agent_PUNT
? I have no recollection of this line.

Check out 310 - It's A No-Brainer. David says it in the intro.

02-15-2006, 01:50 AM
"What time do you go to the chinese dentist?"

02-15-2006, 01:52 AM
"...life is precious and god and the bible..."

02-25-2006, 01:09 AM
Son: Mmm, you used separate jars of mustard and mayonaise
Mom: *winks to the camera*

03-01-2006, 12:50 AM
I don't care if his head is in a f***ing fish bowl just tell me he's gonna live!
Well in that case I have good news.

03-01-2006, 08:41 AM
You're s***ting in my mouth and calling it a sundae.


Today we'll have a visit from Captain Mr. Sargeant and the Marine Corps Improvisors.

03-01-2006, 03:35 PM
I want you to take a swing at the bobby, I want to get things all loosey goosey.

You play loud music, you f*** P***y in the hallway, I don't give s***!

03-01-2006, 08:09 PM
The yellow one is for the young people to know we care and the orange one is for the companions.

03-01-2006, 09:24 PM
c'mon give someone else a turn!

Maple Syrup
03-13-2006, 03:51 AM
Maybe already mentioned but... "Soon soon, you're a balloon!"

the windbreaker
03-15-2006, 10:59 AM
Yeah yeah post #1. Wanna fight?

"I saw the SHIT out of it!"
"And that's when Lincoln said, 'don't diss ma homies'"
"Larry Kleist is my name, insurance is my game. Raping used to be another game of mine... hello?"

03-20-2006, 12:24 AM
Not from Mr. Show but from Run Ronnie Run

Cult Leader Gleh'n: What does Jeff Goldblum want?
Jeff Goldblum: I want my money back. And I want angels to give it to me. And pixies to count it out, and a gnome or a hobbit or an elf to sleep at the foot of my bed, and have - I just want them all over my backyard. But no matter what happens with any of that, I DO want my money back.

03-20-2006, 01:10 AM
Introduction: Swearing Jar

[Jay, as the Mayostard man: Hello sexies, itís Bob and David.]

Bob: What the hell? Wha? Wow. Woo, David, an audience!

David: That is the weirdest thing. Are you guys...lost? Y-you know, weíre doiní sh--this is great cuz weíre doiní a show!

Bob: Oh man, this is great!

David: You guys showed up! Oh man, excellent!

Bob: Perfect!

David: Because, Iíll tell you what, this show that weíre about to do is gonna blow your ass to high heaven!

Bob: David, David, you know the rule. Put a nickel in the swearing jar.

David: Oh shoot. [laughs]

Bob: Folks, we have a fun, new rule here at Mr. Show. Every time a cast member swears, they have to put a nickel in the swearing jar.

[David drops the nickel into an already full jar.]

David: The money goes to Swears For Cares, an non-profit organization committed to raising money through swearing.

Bob: So hopefully, weíll make a little difference.

David: [holds up a nickel] A little *fucking* difference.

TV Ministry Link

[Short clips shown from past Mr. Shows--a clip from New San Francisco, Zulu the Iguana, etc.]

Tom V.O.: Bob and David. Raising money through the Mr. Show TV Ministry Family Group. And now itís time for Swear to God, with the Reverend Winton Dupree.

Swearing Preacher

Bob: I have a question, and I know you all have it, too. What is up Satanís ass?! All he wants to do is fuck us up, the dick-licker! Now the Lord said, "I am the light of the world." Now, He could as easily have said, "I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Why would you fuck with me?!"

[In the back, Paul, Bill, and some other guy whose name I donít know, affirm Bobís statement.]

Bob: Now, Iíll tell you what. I am the only preacher with the fuckiní balls, and you know this, you all know this, to say, "Satan I damn thee! You goddamm motherfuckin,í shit-eatin,í cock-suckin,í son of a B!" Can I get a fuckiní A?

The Guys: Fuckiní A!

Rolling in It/Ferrari Poster Link

[David pours the swearing jar into the bathtub in which heís in, itís filled to the top in nickels. The scene freezes and becomes a poster with the caption, "Rollin' in it." Next poster is David laying on a bed with stuffed animals around him and in strategic places; the caption-- "Grin and Bear It." Next poster is David and a model posed by a sports car; caption-- "Being Poor Sucks." This poster ends up being in the apartment of the next scene.]



* David- Shamul
* Bob- Victor
* John- tenant
* Paul- Unwar

[John, the new tenant, is unpacking his boxes. David enters.]

David: Hey buddy.

John: Hey Shamul!

David: So, Shamul give good apartment, huh? What you think, huh? All yours. Look.

John: Yeah, I canít wait to get unpacked.

David: My friend, come here. Listen to me, my friend. You do anything in dis apartment you want. You watch TV, you listen to music, I donít give shit. You have friend over, you have party, you fuck pussy in hallway, I donít care. I donít give shit. Donít think of me as landlord, think of me as neighbor. If I make too much noise, you say, "Shut up, Shamul! Stop it, you asshole!"

John: Okay.

David: Okay buddy. I let myself out back.

John: Okay, hey thanks a lot. Buh-bye.

David: [says something in Arabic]

[John gets back to unpacking. Bob, carrying a toolbox, enters through the open front door.]

Bob: ĎScuse please.

John: Victor. What are you doing here?

Bob: I come to speak. W-why you leave my apartment building?

John: I told you, because the plumbing was bad.

Bob: Yes, plumbing is bad, Victor fix. See, tools, tools!

John: No, no, but Victor, you donít fix. And plus, the apartment was too hot.

Bob: Apartment is too hot, is Victor now to fix the sun? I cannot get up there.

John: No. No, of course not. Of course not. But Victor, Iím not moving back.

[David enters from the back.]

David: Shamul canít believe all his eyes.

John: Shamul, this is my old landlord, Victor.

David: Please! I see now what I hear is true. Shamul sit in apartment, listen to voices with ear--I donít believe! Shamul say, "Ear you try to trick Shamul. You are a dogís ear and I hit, and I hit." [smacks his ear several times and spits.]

John: Shamul, Shamul! Please donít.

David: And I hit, and I... Shamul come and look and oooh baby! What you do to me?! Perhaps Shamul think you move back to old apartment.

Bob: Ha! Shamul! You come back.

David: I give you good apartment and you say [spits] "I leave?"

John: No.

Bob: Yes, he leave. I help. You come. [starts to carry a box out]

John: No no, Victor, please donít.

[Bob drops the box and glass is heard shattering.]

Bob: Victor fix!

John: No, no.

Bob: Victor fix!

John: Victor. Victor! Victor, Iím *not* moving back.

[Bob is broken-hearted.]

David: Shamul give you two space. [backs out]

Bob: It is over?

John: Yes. Itís over.

[David re-enters.]

David: Okay, move your ass going, my friend.

Bob: I-I go. I go. [he does]

David: Hey buddy. Buddy, some day we looking back on all dis and we are laughing, eh?

John: I know, I just feel bad.

[Paul enters through the front]

Paul: Shamul! What is this?

David: Unwar, I explain.

Paul: My old apartment! For *three* years I rent apartment from you. Only two days ago I move out and already apartment filled?

David: Please Unwar, I explain.

Paul: Bull! How you explain? [spits] I spit on your explanation!

David: I spit on your spit!

Paul: I piss on your spit!

David: I shit on your piss!

Paul: I fart on your shit!

David: I laugh at your fart!

[Both look at each other in a moment of common realization.]

Paul: We are friends again. [laughs]

[They hug.]

David: I spit on your spit.

Paul: I piss on your spit.

David: I shit on your piss.

Paul: I fart on your shit.

David: I laugh at your fart.

Both: We are friends again! Hey! [dance around together in a circle, chanting] I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart. We are friends again. Hey! [they pull John in] I spit on your spit. I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart.

All: We are friends again. Hey! I spit on your spit. [they continue as the camera zooms out from the window. Bob is alone and hurt.] I piss on your spit. I shit on your piss. I fart on your shit. I laugh at your fart. We are friends again. Hey!

Victor & Dylan

[Sad piano music starts. Bob walks sadly down the street. He enters the lobby of the apartment building. Thereís picture of him with each of his tenants; he takes down the one of him and John. David, as the guy who swears off anything modern, comes home carrying a butter churner and a paper fan.]

Bob: Dylan! How are you? How is apartment? Is air-conditioning working?

David: Good. Good. Uh, yes and no thank you. I absolutely abhor the use of any conditioning devices. Itís a needless perversion of an already perfected system, i.e. the fan.

[They enter his apartment.]

Bob: Yes, but air-conditioning was first thing Victor and his family get when we come to dis country.

David: Uh! This country is the worst. Bunch of moronic imbeciles, running around [starts to write using a feather pen] with their shorts and their wristwatches.

Bob: Yes, but in America you have uh everything. You have uh television set and uh music like uh rock Ďn roll.

David: Oh! Oh! Jupiterís thunder! Oh, rock Ďn roll is the most criminal of garbages! I-i-it is a crutch! It is a--

Bob: --Okay, bye bye.

David: --It will never sell my ears! Oh the relentless persecution I must endure. Oh, the only pure pop group that ever existed was the Fad 3. [starts his old-fashioned turntable.]

Fad Three

Hunger Strike


* Bob- Roy, Voice-Over
* David- Panzic Poojaran
* Dino- Panzicís helper
* Various photographers/reporters

[The end of the Fad 3 sketch. As a voice-over: "Roy has taken the high road--donating his name and ex-celebrity status to charities and political movements." Cut to a press conference. Bob is at the microphones and David seated on the floor. Thereís a banner hung in the back which, I think, says "Free Kashitai."]

Bob: Today is the first public appearance Panzic Poojaran--a great man, a patriot--he has been on a hunger strike for the freedom of his people. For twenty-three days, now, he has had nothing but water. His message is about freedom and basic human rights. Panzic.

[Dino helps David up and over to the microphones. Throughout the whole sketch Dino holds Davidís hand and nods in agreement. David speaks with many pauses.]

Overheard reporter: Look at how light he is.

David: My people have been oppressed . . . and treated unjustly. I pray to God . . . everyday . . . for their deliverance and . . . for food. I want the world to know . . . that . . . I . . . am so hungry. I just . . . I want . . . I just want to say . . . that . . . I want to eat everything! But--but, I digress, I digress. There are *two* things that would make me very happy. One . . . would be . . . a lot of food. Mmm-mm. [pretends to savor a taste in his mouth.] Mmm. And, but . . . .but more importantly . . . more importantly . . . I . . . never . . . want . . . to drink water again! My people are dying! Look at me.

[Dino helps David out from the obstructing microphones and he pauses for his picture. One person snaps a photo and David is helped back.]

I used to . . . I used to hate . . . water chestnuts. Now I would eat a hundred buckets of them. Everyday people go into restaurants . . . and they, they take the condiments and they, they take them and they put them on the . . . plate and they mix it up and put it in a glass and they dare their friends to drink it, and . . . they think it is funny. Right now I would drink it!! And I would thank them for it.

But okay enough of that, enough of that. I want to say . . . why canít this government . . . change the rules . . . of what . . . constitutes a hunger strike. [Turns pleading to Dino] I mean whoís to say . . . [he rambles and Dino points to the mic to get him re-focused.] Okay. Iím sorry, I have gotten way off track here. We were . . . we were talking about food. Okay. If I . . . if I die . . . if I die please tell my people . . . to bury me . . . in mashed potatoes, please! [Photographers start to snap pictures.] The lum-lumpy kind with gravies and a gravy boat by the side and ya-ya little yams, too.

Bob as voice-over: [as it begins David looks around to see where the voice is coming from] Panzic Poojaranís hunger strike, sponsored by Stensonís condiments. [A logo which says "Stensonís Mayostard" appears on the screen. As the v.o. continues the slogan appears too. David notices the logo and reaches out for it and tries to eat it, while Dino helplessly tries to keep him still.] With over a thousand food products, thereís over a thousand reasons not to go hungry. [As the other logo appears, Davidís attention is then drawn to it and he tries to bite it.] Stensonís--mmm--thatís delicious.

03-20-2006, 01:22 AM
Thanks to Scotch, I think we just met our quote-a...

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

03-20-2006, 12:23 PM
More like favorite episode transcript!

*ptooey* I spit on your transcript.

04-01-2006, 10:37 AM
hardest. question. ever.

heres a shortlist


"primp always"

"FUCK YOU!" (from last episode of s2, fake doctor voice sketch)

"pomp and circumstance"

"heavens to betsy i've invented a praying machine!"

"sushi bar in a sushi bar machine"

"damn, his science is too tight" (professor murder, monk academy sketch)

"controversy!" (..and america reacts, from blow up the moon sketch)

anything by c.s. lewis jnr =p


"i'm an old gold tooth and i'll tell ya ta-rooth, i live in the mouth of a ho-mi!"

"you stupid... no island remembering motherfucker!"

"im gonna fuck me a fish"


"pomp and circumstance"

"its toooooooooooooootalllly grunjafied!"

"oh please oh please oh pleaseeeeeeeeee!" (ryan dorn sketch)

04-09-2006, 07:48 PM
"Mr. Pickles' Fun-Time Abortion Clinic; we bring out the kid in ya!"

02-09-2007, 07:54 PM
"Listen, lady. I don't come to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth."