[CptPlanet]

Mike, to me the comedy scene seems to be a lot more meritocratic than the rest of the entertainment industry. It seems like as long as someone is both talented and hard working, they'll be able to eke out at least a semi-decent living doing what they want.

Is that necessarily true, or is it possible for even the funniest and most dedicated person to give it their best shot and still be forced to live on dollar store gin and off-brand Spam until they return to their bumfuck hometown in shame and move back in with their parents until they die of cirrhosis and a broken heart?

Also, is it possible to "make it" (and by that I just mean comfortably support yourself) on writing alone without ever doing standup/acting/improv? Is that what you did? That shit is unbelievably difficult and nerve wracking for me, and it seems like- at least in my case- it would actually do more harm than good if my goal was to make people think I'm funny. I'm also ugly, which I realize isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for a standup comic, and some comics use their natural homeliness to their advantage, but the point is I'm really uncomfortable in those types of settings.

Oh one more quick question: Were you scared of failing and being rejected when you started? How did you deal with it?

[agent_PUNT]

As some of you know I am in the process of being laid off from my high paying office job. My release was in part due to the fact that I laughed in my bosses face when she asked me to start "dressing for success".

Well today was a typical day in the Human Resources department for lil Nicky Carter (me).

Let me walk you through my day:

Show up at 8:57.

Put Weezer's "Blue Album" on continous play. At 41 minutes it should play approx. 10 times before I duck out at 3:55.

Then I really just stare at my computer screen for the rest of the day. Every twenty minutes or so I'll open a new database so that if anyone walks by they'll see a different graphic on my screen.

And to make sure people think I'm checking my inbox, here's what I did with my e-mail today (Karen is a co-worker who i talk with about David Cross):

-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Nick
Sent: Monday, April 04, 2005 11:38 AM
To: XXXXXX, Karen
Subject: update

How was the weekend?

Please use the following words in your response:

"orange"

"batteries"

"South Dakota"

"overwhelming"

"vietnamese cooking"


From: XXXXX, Karen
Sent: Monday, April 04, 2005 11:47 AM
To: Carter, Nick
Subject: RE: update

Usual exciting weekend, the highlight of which was when I tired a new recipe for grilled Asian shrimp with orange sauce I found in a Vietnamese Cooking cookbook from South Dakota which became a little overwhelming when the battieries on my mixmaster died and I had to beat the sauce by hand.

How was your weekend?

Please use the following words in your response:

"oatmeal"

"green"

"crop circles"

"salsa"

"passion"

-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Nick
Sent: Monday, April 04, 2005 11:53 AM
To: XXXXXX, Karen
Subject: RE: update

Well my weekend was kind of shitty. My pope died as you may have heard. So I decided to rent that movie The Passion of the Christ as a tribute. You know that movie right? It was directed by that guy Mel Gibson. You know him right? He was in that movie about the crop circles and the little green men. I think it was called "Signs"

Anyways that didn't make me feel any better. If you've seen that movie you'd know it's not really uplifting. So I ended up spending the rest of saturday in bed just kind of lighting candles and praying.

then sunday came and boy was it incredible...It was truly like God was smiling down on me. I felt great. And you may not believe this but while eating breakfast I saw the Lady Madonna's face in my oatmeal! It was incredible!

Then I murdered a prostitute by drowning her in a bathtub.

Oh and salsa was on sale at Loblaws.



-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Nick
Sent: Monday, April 04, 2005 12:02 PM
To: XXXXXX, Karen
Subject: RE: update

do something with these words:

"leech"

"daffy duck"

"cartel"

and

"Nelson Mandela"

-----Original Message-----
From: XXXXXX, Karen
Sent: Monday, April 04, 2005 2:05 PM
To: Carter, Nick
Subject: News Bulletin

Fox News reported this morning that the CIA has infiltrated the infamous leech cartel based in Buenos Aries, Argentina.

Several arrests were made during a raid on the ship "Nelson Mandela" after it docked in the San Francisco harbour in the early hours of the morning. Found on board were several crates of Speckled Spanish leeches, an endangered species protected by the UN Wildlife Treaty of 1986. During the past 6 months biologists have became increasingly alarmed as these leeches began disappearing from the rainforests.

Among those arrested were the leader of the cartel, David Cross, who operated under the code name "Daffy Duck". The CIA intelligence had learned of a plot by Mr. Cross and his gang of left-wing comics to kidnap the President and apply the leeches to his head with the hope of stimulating the flow of blood to his brain. The comedians believe Mr. Bush is border-line brain dead. As he was led away in hand-cuffs Mr. Cross was heard yelling, "You know it's what Jesus would do!"



Your turn:

Corinthean leather

dolphin

chocolate

and

Captain Kirk.

-----Original Message-----
From: Carter, Nick
Sent: Monday, April 04, 2005 2:17 PM
To: XXXXXX, Karen
Subject: RE: News Bulletin


What I Did On My Summer Vacation by Jimmy Happersmith

Dear Ms. Anklesmith,

On my summer vacation I got to go to space camp with my best friend Robbie Dribbel. I was nervous on the first day because it was a 2 week camp and I didn't know much about the other people that were going there. Me and Robbie stayed together for the first couple of days which were the funnest. We got to watch the famous episode of Star Trek called "Barter's Void" when Captain Kirk is stuck on planet Nihplod and he has to disguise himself as a local so he sells his uniform for the suit made from Corinthean leather. That's one of my favorite episodes ever and I was the only one who noticed that the planets name backwards was "dolphin". I got major space cadet points for that! I was winning the contest after the first 2 days! I didn't end up winning because there was a chinese kid at camp. I did come second and I did win a box of chocolates. I didn't eat them though. I traded them to Jimmy for his replica plasma-gamma-optic-scope. I think the Captain would be proud.

When I got home from camp I found out my dad had been arrested for killing a prostitute in our bathtub.

I think this school year will be the best ever!

LLAP (live long and prosper)

Jimmy.



... And that was my Powerloafing day.

Thanks.

[terris]

thanks for the advice mike, you're an asset to this company

and nick i'd like to see you in my office, i'm afraid it's time to have a discussion about your posistion here

[CptPlanet]

Karen's funny it's too bad she's either fat or crazy.

[teengirlsquad]

cpt you are a dumb shit sometimes. terris you are always awesome. punt you are a waste of space. (my favorite parts are the the names anklesmith and happersmith [i read the whole thing!])

[Brain Stew]

Originally posted by teengirlsquad
cpt you are a dumb shit sometimes. terris you are always awesome. punt you are a waste of space. (my favorite parts are the the names anklesmith and happersmith [i read the whole thing!])

TGS you are repetitive and female. YOU'RE FIRED!



Hahaha, get it guys? I am sooo topical and into pop culture. And vapid.

[teengirlsquad]

i forget what vapid means

[teengirlsquad]

i hate you again

[agent_PUNT]

Originally posted by CptPlanet
Karen's funny it's too bad she's either fat or crazy.

fat.

[Brain Stew]

Originally posted by teengirlsquad
i forget what vapid means

It means empty. I was making a joke saying that I was empty for using Trump's hackneyed catchphrase.

[Pali]

Originally posted by Brain Stew
It means empty. I was making a joke saying that I was empty for using Trump's hackneyed catchphrase.

How the fuck did 'You're fired!' become a catchphrase?

That's it, from now on my catchphrase is 'Clean that window, it's dirty!'

[Brain Stew]

Originally posted by Pali
How the fuck did 'You're fired!' become a catchphrase?

I don't know, but somehow it did. He even trademarked it. For some reason, the justice system is bending over backwards for businesses nowadays.

[teengirlsquad]

thank you my love

[scotch-romanian]

If I may paraphrase what Mr. Cross said on an episode of Celebrity Poker...

DAVID: (to the announcer guy, in a Donald Trump accent) You're fired.

(audience laughs)

DAVID: Did anyone see there's some guy trying to make that into a catchphrase? What a douche bag.

(audience laughs more)

[teengirlsquad]

i have nothing to add but i saw that and i laughed and laughed.